Making an Opportunity out of Heart Ache

Opportunity or Heart Ache?


Do I let Cancer control me? Or do I take control?


Who has more power? Me? Or Cancer?


Breast Cancer at 26?  There has to be a reason!


These were questions I asked myself.  And the last finally gave me the answer I needed to see a reason.  You hear all the time God has a reason for all he does sometimes it just takes time to see what the reason is?  Well I am an inpatient person and I refused to wait for a reason, I made my reason.


If I didn't know my family history, if I didn't know my odds, I may have listened to the numerous times I heard "you're too young."  If I wasn't outspoken, if I wasn't stubborn, I might have listened to "you're to young." But I did know, and I am stubborn and I am outspoken, some are not!  I used my voice to help me beat cancer now I felt it was my duty to use my voice to help others beat cancer.  More than that using my voice gave me an opportunity, let me take control, gave me power and a reason.


So I spoke!  And I shared!  And I didn't wait to see God's reason I made my own.


First I made sure I called my doctor's and the hospital and I told everyone I knew to share my number with any woman who may be going through cancer.  Who needed a shoulder!  Or thought they were too young!


Second I got online.  My friends and family helped me and my family when I was down now it  was my turn to make sure that they didn't have to have help after hearing those awful words.  I ordered tons of info, how to perform exams, different awareness materials and pink ribbons to remind them their number one risk...They were female!  Not how old they were! 


Third I got a phone call asking if i would interview with a local news station while they did a segment on the wig shop where I purchased my wig.  It was an honor!  I'd be proud!  Search breast cancer...what do you find?  Most of what you will find tells you or shows you the face of breast cancer is older!  I felt the need to put a younger face on breast cancer. 


I did my interview with a woman that for years I grew up watching, a woman who had done amazing things for advocacy in breast cancer and now she was asking me about my story and she was airing it to share with others!  What a huge honor!  I was filmed being fitted for a wig while being asked about my personal struggle with breast cancer.  There was the camera zoomed in on my very bald head, at first I must admit my own insecurities wanted to run but I knew seeing a 26 year old with breast cancer could help some young woman somewhere.  http://www.wusa9.com/rss/local_article.aspx?storyid=58160


I later learned that my story was shared again by Andrea Roane on different occasions. http://www.wusa9.com/rss/local_article.aspx?storyid=93977


Fourth I typed away I sent emails to all the local tv stations and newspapers and I first heard back from the Free Lance Star.  First I did an interview and then days later a photo shoot. It is not easy the first time you see your story in print but it was needed I needed to share my story!  http://www.fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2007/072007/07222007/295676


Then the Culpeper Star Exponent contacted me and they too did a story on me. http://www2.starexponent.com/news/2007/oct/07/amazing_strength_10_07_07_cse-ar-345041/


Because of these articles I found in googling my name that there were stories all over on adoption sites, etc that they had taken from my news articles.


Fifth a friend asked me to share my story with nursing students at a local college so that they were aware breast cancer does not discriminate!  I stood in front of these women with my power point and my story and did not have one dry eye. 


I was also asked by the local American Cancer Society to speak at a ladies luncheon.  I was honored and again stood in front of a room full of strangers and shared my story.  Most of these people were much older than me but so many stopped me on the way out and told me they were calling their daughters, or granddaughters as soon as they left to tell them of my story.


And I think so far my biggest speaking honor has been that at Pamper Me Pink.  I spoke in front of over 450 people and shared my story.  This was for a fundraiser for our local hospital and I recently spoke with the CEO of the hospital.  I have received many compliments from sharing my story but he told me in all the years of Pamper Me Pink the room had never been so quiet.  Hearing that I know I am making a difference and I am speaking out! 


Sixth I have raised money for a cure, for advocacy and for an end.  I have walked many years in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life and have raised several thousand dollars for them.  And October of 2010 I walked in the Susan G Komen 60 mile 3 day.  Those were the most moving 3 days in my life and I plan on doing it until my feet can't walk anymore.


Seventh I have taken the airwaves and shared my story over the radio.


And now I have pledged to myself to go after my dreams, to reach for unreachable stars and really make a difference in breast cancer! 

Victoria Secrets My How I Have Missed You!

A year had come and gone since I discovered my lump and 10 months had come and gone without my "girls".

Months earlier when meeting with the reconstructive surgeon we picked out my boobs...from a basket.  In came the nurse with a basket of boobs, all sizes, both silicone and saline and a granny bra to fit what I wanted.  It was very funny!  But finally I picked my lovely ladies and now 10 months later several expanding later it was time to get these super duper heavy expanders out and get the real girls in.

Surgery went so easy compared to all the others maybe I was becoming a PRO!  I woke up from surgery not asking about my soaps and not crying at scars and bandages but peeking through the gown and checking out the new rack.  WOW!  I was never a large girl and now I had some knockers!  YES! 

I tried my best to find silver linings in all aspects of cancer and free boob job definitely the tip top of the list!

I healed so well.  2 days later I was on the football field for the biggest game of my sons football career!  You know the career of an 8 year old!  I was running and jumping up the sidelines and feeling great!  Until I got home holy soreness! 

A few weeks later the doc told me the compression bra could come off and the swelling had gone down, it was time for shopping!  Vickies here I come!  I had for months looked in the mirror at my chest and it caused me heartbreak I now was standing there getting fitted and trying on hot new bras.  I looked in that mirror and I didn't see the scars, I didn't see the missing parts, I saw me looking beautiful!  I saw a complete woman again. 

And then I saw my bank account going down, down, down, cause every Victoria Secrets bra, and v neck shirt I saw was all mine! 

Oh Victoria Secrets I missed you....not sure my husband did as much! 

6 rounds...then graduation

Round one was so easy. 

Round two was fairly good....as long as my head was on the pillow.

Round three....Hospital here we come!  On the 3rd day after I had chemo I had to wake up Patrick in the middle of the night I felt like death.  I was warned that one of my chemos would hurt my kidneys, well it was taking effect.  I was dehydrated and had a horrible kidney infection.  I was ready to give up!

Round four I cried the whole way there I was devastated and was determined to tell the Doctor I had quit. Round four was the easiest of them all. I ate Arby's for a full week!  Tons of Slurpee's!  I slept 80% of the day and made all the kids games.

Round five my counts were so low I couldn't take it on time and had to push it back a week. 

Round six GRADUATION DAY BABY!!!!!!!!  It killed me though thank god it was the last I had no energy. 

During this time Justin informed me that there was no point of me wearing a wig because all the kids at school knew his mother was bald!  Geez thanks kid! 

Kayla couldn't understand why the  day my chemo ended my hair didn't come back in.

My husband was superman I don't believe he slept for 6 months! 

We had amazing supportive friends and family who helped and kept our house full of food! 

All in all I survived!  The last day of chemo was an emotional one.... sitting there I was so proud to have fought this!  But you grow to find these people your family, you would see them daily and then they release you and tells you see you in 12 weeks.... WHAT!

It's Just Hair....Right?

March 5th....it started

My head hurt so bad, almost like when your little and someone pulls your hair back into a ponytail too tight.  It was so quick, there was almost no warning!  I took a shower and it was coming out all over my hands it was unbelievable.  We went to Target in an attempt to cheer me up it was the opening day of our Target.  My hair was falling out in giant clumps all over Target.  My daddy was in town and as we sat at the dinner table it just came out and came out and came out.  I was devistated.

My daddy and Patrick convienced me to shave it all off, I agreed....before making a run for it and hiding in my 4 year olds closet.  They found me...wasn't too hard you could hear the sobbing. 

I am a grown woman why am I hiding in my daughters closet from something I can not control!  It is going to fall out!  I made a choice to have both breast removed, I cut my hair for locks of love and now I am crying in a 4 year olds closet next to a giant Dora doll.

I sat on the stool in the bathroom sobbing as I heard the razor come on.  It was in slow motion.  As my hair dropped to the floor so did the tears into my lap. 

It wasn't all gone....but it was Army material...it continued to be sore and with everytime I rubbed my head the hair fell out.  Before my second chemo my head was bald.

We discovered the fact that insurance pays for wigs and went shopping for one.  The woman was amazing, she fitted me and we found one I liked, well as much as I could like.  I barely wore any of the wigs, they felt like barbie hair stuck on your neck.  I hated them.  

Locks of Love

In the big picture of life losing my breast was nothing, it was an easy decision.  Now it wasn't my choice it was chemo robbing me of my hair.  I think it was the first time I actually accepted cancer taking something from me. 

I had a love hate relationship with my hair.  It was super long and thick.  I would stand at the mirror and stare wondering what I would look like without my hair.  Patrick was working nights and I would stay up and just google wigs I couldn't stand any of them.  I would twirl my hair and cry! 

I had to take some control of this, or at least that's what I kept hearing so I did....I decided to cut it from what was almost hip length to my shoulders and I donated it to locks of love.  I took my camera with every intent to document this...I had every intent to document my whole wild ride through cancer, that didn't happen.

I have had my hair cut so many times and never thought a thing of it.  This time was different she threw it in a pony tail and with one quick snip it was gone! 13 inches gone.... and to think there is more to leave. 

It was so hard to do but such a great choice.  I can not imagine being a young girl in school without my hair.  I am so glad I did it.



After Locks of Love



Before Locks of Love

Life after Surgery...what comes next?

The following days at home were so hard, I am a do it yourself kinda girl, well mostly!  And I couldn't brush my daughters hair, I couldn't hold her in my lap, I couldn't attend my sons play at school, here I was relying on everyone else.

The doctor gave me tons of exercises to do to get my mobility back in my arms, yea well I am not an exercise girl.  I never once did it however I did have full mobility back - guess that age thing worked for me for once. 

We had been under the impression that the tumor was 3 cms we were very wrong,  it was more like 5 cms.  The doctor explained that meant it had been in my body for some time.  How does your body let you down like this? 

When I had my surgery my reconstruction choice was tissue expanders to expand the incrediably tight skin on my chest before replacing with implants.  I had drains in after surgery as well, just for the record in case you have never had them, or seen them, they are gross!  The reconstructive surgeon who is by far one of my favorite men ever even though he is a Giants fan, took out my drains and started my expandings.  Neither feel great but neither really hurt either.  There would be many expandings over months.

It was time to face the oncologist.  It was time to deal with the fact that I attempted to avoid that I would have to take chemo.  Surprisingly I also adored my oncologist even though he too was a Giants fan...what the heck?  While my age was a concern for long term damage that chemo would do to my body for once my age was in my favor as well I could cut this chemo thing in half because my young body could take more and stronger doses. 

Oncology had me go through bone scans, and CT scans, and xrays, and heart scans, blood work, and so on and so on and so on!  I also had to have a port placed into my chest so that I wouldn't have to have the nasty chemo through my veins. 

Chemo was so scary....just the thought ....I mean its poison... going into your body... yes its to save you but its just scary!  Even the word.  The thought.  It just send chills.

The one highlight before chemo and after surgery was my cousins wedding!  She was married in Disney World, it was a once in  a lifetime opportunity!  My dad drove me and the kids down to Orlando we were all 3 in the wedding.  It was the greatest time,  at a point where I felt unattractive because of the hideous scars across my chest and the thought of losing my hair this was exactly what I needed.  I felt beautiful, I danced, I had fun, I got to witness the beauty and joy in a wedding and it was the best medicine ever!  Until I had to come home! 

Life or Breast

Making the decision of a Lumpectomy or a Mastectomy was the easiest of my choices by far! 

To many women the loss of your breast would be so huge, not for me.  Maybe it was the fact I always wanted bigger ones or maybe it was the fact that Life is so much bigger than a pair of breast will ever be.

I was told over and over I didn't have to have a mastectomy, I could go with the lumpectomy.  I was told why not just take the one?  But why!  My breast let me down!  They were the keeper of this thing that invaded my body, invaded my life, I wanted them gone!

The morning of my mastectomy seemed surreal.  My husband and I drove to the hospital where we meet his sister, her husband and his mom.   They all spoke to me while we waited but I couldn't tell you a word that was said.  They called me back, it was time.  If you have ever had surgery you understand, if not then let me explain...you have no time to worry, no time to stress once you are in the room.

They had me changed, IVs in (which FYI mastectomy means IV in neck or foot I picked foot but I don't recommend either!), and into the operating room like a flash of lightening.  All I remember is the doctors joking with me about how fast it would take me to be out honestly I don't think I made it past the calming meds.

After 5 long hours of surgery I was awake.  I am so thankful it was me sick and not Patrick cause there is no way I ever could have sat for 5 hours while he was in surgery.  How he managed that I will never understand!  He was outside when I woke up so they grabbed my sister in law to come back instead.  I woke up somewhat, very drugged, and asked what time it was, and said "Oh No I'm missing my soaps" and then I was out again. 

I was incredibly sore the pain was unreal.  Eating was a task that was not going to happen, neither was walking, going to bathroom, speaking or staying awake.  I stayed that night at the hospital in pain but the next day I was much better and by that night I was roaming the halls and ready to go.

Before I came home they unwrapped the bandages and showed Patrick how to care for the incisions and drains.  They showed me with a mirror what it looked like.  Whoa!  That's all I can say.  I thought I was going to get through this without caring about this loss, I was so very wrong!  They were gone and in replace of them were giant scars across my chest.  I held it together and not one tear fell but inside I was horrified!  How could my husband ever find this attractive? How could he ever look at me the same again?

Courage in Others brought Strength to Me!

During the waiting, the many doctors visits, the biopsies, the decisions, and the stress life seemed unbearable.  The what ifs take over your life.  I got to a point where while everyone thought I was holding up well...I truly was not.  I was depressed!  I couldn't function, I stayed in bed, I stayed in my jammies, and the what ifs took over.

My kids were so young! Kayla was in pre-K she was 4 years old.  I grew up with out a mom for many years, what if I wasn't there for prom?  For her first boyfriend, for her wedding, her first child!  My son Justin was in 2nd grade and was 7 years old.  He was momma's boy!  He took it so hard right away, he hated me even leaving the room. what if I didn't make it?  And Patrick my husband!  We had not been married a year!  The two of us had an up and down relationship for years and we finally figured out that we were meant to be and we were married.  He had just lost his dad to cancer.  Life could not be so cruel that it could take me from my life, my husband, and my kids. 

During this time period there was an inspirational story in our local paper about a young mother just a few years older than me with a toddler son, who had breast cancer, while pregnant!  OMG!  If this woman could go through this while pregnant I could build up the courage and I could do it!  If this baby could come out of this okay so could I! 

This woman's name was Erica, she became my hero and I had never meet her, so did her beautiful daughter! 

A few months later I meet my hero!  It was like meeting a super star!  I meet that beautiful little girl as well, she was so healthy and so beautiful just like her courageous mother!  I never told her she was my hero till 4 years later when she heard me speak.  We became friends and she became my support through so much!  But if there wasn't that story in the paper I don't know if I would have had the courage I had! 

Going From What If To Those 3 Words!

After my mammo I was sent to UVA to the breast clinic.  It took several weeks to get in, not so much because of my age this time but just because of how busy they were.  UVA obviously is a teaching hospital!  The first person I meet while there was a med student.  I must admit she was adorable, she looked 12 which is saying something because even though I was 26 I looked as if I was skipping school to come to this appointment.  When she came in the first time, she said nothing!  She looked, she turned around and walked out.  OKAY?  Then she came back in the room and looked at me, asked "Are you Janna?" ... Yes~ "Do you know that you are only 26"... OK at this point my patience had worn thin and my smart ass side was coming out in full force....NOPE I forgot how old I was...and then as if all these dumb questions weren't bad enough she then says "do you realize this is a breast clinic?" ... NO WAY ...SHUT UP!!! 


I understood she was young, she was in school, and all her education involving breast cancer to this point was text book but please schools teach these nursing students and med students life is not text book!  The doctor finally came in and he showed no shock at my age, I immediately felt at ease with this doctor and knew I was in the right place!  He did an exam, and then sat and told me he had reviewed my ultrasound and mammo and the radiologist findings.  He told me he didn't like the way this looked or the way this felt!  He wanted me to have a biopsy right away. 


There went the air again!  At least this time I was smart enough to have my husband by my side. 


Waiting was horrible every minute was forever! The day of the biopsy was a long one....I had a breast biopsy and  a needle aspiration on my lymph nodes.  And then there was that waiting again....


Once the results came back we headed back to UVA to hear what the findings were.  That adorable little med student came in first.  She had on her doctors coat, a mini skirt, and knee high boots!  She was chomping on her gum like a cow, and twirling her blonde hair.  Thank god for some small humor in serious moments!  She was as perky as all get out, almost giving me a sense of false hope!  Then out of her mouth just like she was asking what we were doing for dinner she says "So did they tell you your results?" we told her she was the first to come in and she responds "whelp you have cancer, we aren't sure what type but its cancer." She told us she would give us a few minutes before coming back with the doctor. 


When she left I literally laughed!  Did she just blurt it out like that?  Finding out the worst news of my life may have been the most humorous of my life!  The doctor came in and we didn't act as if we knew, we were well aware she was not supposed to share this news with us and especially that way!  My doctor explained further that they were running some more test to ensure it was cancer and not hotchkins disease.  He told us to hope for breast cancer. 


I did get a phone call late one evening from my doctor saying that it was breast cancer, it had not spread, all lymph nodes were clear.  We would now have numerous doctors appointments meeting with my surgeon over and over, plastic surgeon, and cancer psychologist.  Then there were the decisions of mastectomy, lumpectomy, what kind of reconstruction, TRAM, implants, where to have chemo, do we do radiology.  At this point nothing was clear my head would spin. 


My first surgery which was my first ever was a Sentinel Lymph Node Mapping.  It was kinda cool!  What it does is checks for further cancer spreading which so far things didn't look as if it had.  The cool part is you turn blue!  The first day you go in and get radioactive blue dye, the second day they do another biopsy and this time they would actually remove lymph nodes. 


The surgery went well, they removed two lymph nodes to check and I only had a few days of waiting for these results.  I was so sore, I never realized how much you use your arm pit in daily life. 

How it all started

As a newborn I was placed up for adoption.  My birthmother thankfully put her name on some paperwork for the adoption....her whole name, social services whited that out but you can read right through white out.  Well thankfully my daddy looked up her name and kept tabs on her for years. 


In 1993 my adoptive mother died from a massive heartache, I was a lost 12 year old girl and a few years later in 1995 my daddy finally made the call to reach out to my birthmother only to get her ex husband on the other line with the devastating news she too died and also in 1993.  She had cervical cancer and it spread very quickly. 


With that phone call came much sadness to learn I would never meet the mother who created me, who made the hardest choice a woman can make, and the woman ultimately responsible for giving me the great life I had.  That phone call also lead to extreme happiness when her ex husband and I meet and he gave me pictures of her...it was like looking in a mirror.  He then introduced me to her best friend who later made the drive from Va. Beach to Northern VA and told her sister Carole.  This all came with such shock!  But looking at her and looking at me there was no doubt we were mother and daughter.  I meet Carole quickly after.  Carole was going through breast cancer at the time we meet.  It was the closest I had ever been to breast cancer and I remember being amazed at her strength .I soon meet the remainder of my family as well.


Carole was the only one in her family to have been hit with breast cancer ...at that time!  Years later I got the sad phone call my other Aunt Michelle had just been diagnosed with breast cancer as well.  During this sad time for my family one day I was in the shower when I too discovered a lump.  Finding a lump in your breast is the most sicking feeling I have ever had.  The air is sucked out of you, and the room and you feel like a fish out of water. 


I called my doctors office and set up an appointment right away, this was in September and with October fast approaching the waiting room was filled with magazines that were all about breast cancer.  I was sick to my stomach waiting.  I was so nervous, it is kinda one of those areas you aren't overly comfortable speaking to a nurse you don't know about.  I babbled on about different reasons I was there...none of which were true, extra cramps, headaches, whatever I could think of.  Finally as the nurse was leaving the room I spoke up, somehow this courage came over me and this little voice popped out "I found a lump...in my left breast".  This nurse who appeared in about her 60's stopped dead in her tracks, turned, looked at me and said "We are extremely busy today, and behind, I have been a nurse for over 30 years and in those years I have never seen a woman under 30 with breast cancer.  Please don't waste the doctor's time, you will look silly!"


Was this woman serious?  Who the heck was she to tell any patient not to speak up about a concern?  I was at this point angry, scared, and shocked!  My heart raced what do I do?  The doctor came in and I told her right off I found something in my breast and I am concerned.  She didn't seem to be too busy or that I was wasting her time, and surely didn't make me feel silly.  She did the examination and there it was!  She never completed the examine after finding the lump, she just told me I needed an ultrasound and mammogram and it could not wait!


I didn't even call my husband I called the hospital first they told me they had many open dates, thank god!  I just wanted answers!  If it was cancer ok...so be it....but lets know so we can beat it....she asked all the typical info, name, insurance, phone number and birthdate.  As soon as I said 1980 and she realized I was 26 she paused and said "well you can wait!  we save these appointments for the patients that are in need of these appointments."  Okay now I was just stunned!  Was I honestly the only woman in the universe with a lump in my breast under the age of 30? NO WAY!  I took the appointment, she gave me and just dealt with it! 


Once I went for my appointment I thought this was something I could handle on my own I told my husband I didn't need him to come....OH WAS I WRONG!  I had the ultrasound first and there it was.... bright and big as life.  That lump that haunted me for weeks and weeks!  The ultrasound tech kept taking shots of it, and mentioning in but then she said "Go ahead and get dressed at your age its probably a cyst no point in having a mammo at your age."  She walked out to talk to the radiologist and now I wasn't scared, I wasn't mad I was straight up PISSED OFF! I did not get dressed and I had every intent of telling her all about herself when she came back in the room.  I didn't have to apparently someone else had!  She timidly asked me back to have a mammo.  The mammo waiting room was full but they took me to the room right away and did mine right then.  The mammo tech kept choking up she told me she had a 26 year old daughter, this was not a good sign, the tech is not supposed to choke up!  She asked me to get dressed and wait for the radiologist.  I can remember the room like it was yesterday it was so warm, it was painted a beautiful mauve color and the seats were so unlike being at a hospital.  The radiologist came in and sat down next to me and said "It doesn't look good, I can't say if it is cancer or not but it looks bad.  You need to see a breast surgeon right away."  That air being sucked out of the room when I found this dumb lump suddenly was nothing!  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel, I literally don't even remember going home! 




Thank God my daddy looked up my family, thank God they decided to take me in and meet me and make me part of their family.  Without this I would not have known my family history, I would not know my risk!  I would not have had the courage to keep on and may have listened to a nurse who even with over 30 years experience she obviously knows NOTHING!

   Thank you for my voice Daddy!